The NFL has a new IQ test it will use in its scouting combines. It's about time because the current one only takes 12 minutes - it takes the average NFL player that long to spell his name or make his mark.
Hey! It's a joke!
The old one was devised decades ago by former Dallas Cowboys Coach Tom Landry, who said things like: "First become a winner in life then become a winner on the field."
Partly because the NFL feels it needs to update its cliches, it has come up with the new IQ test with the help of a real "university professor."
That's all well and good, but the fans need to stay current, too. We don't want the players becoming smarter than the fans.
So, as a service to the NFL and its fans, I have devised a new fan IQ test. Name the authors of the following quotes, and don't peek at the answers at the end.
"He couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T." (Dallas linebacker Thomas Henderson on the intelligence of Terry Bradshaw.
"I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid." (The aforementioned Terry Bradshaw)
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Joe Theismann)
"If defensive linemen's IQs were five points lower, they'd be geraniums." (Russ Francis)
"I’ve been big ever since I was little." (William "The Refrigerator" Perry)
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." (George Rogers)
"People say I’ll be drafted in the first round, maybe even higher." (Craig "Ironhead" Heyward)
"I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was important – like a league game." (Dick Butkus)
"The Bears are so tough when they finish sacking the quarterback, they go after his family in the stands." (Tim Wrightman)
"I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." (Joe Jacoby)
"To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too." (Matt Millen, about Joe Jacoby’s mother)
"We didn’t have steroids. If I wanted to get pumped up, I drank a case of beer." (Art Donovan)
"I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that." (Jerry Rice)
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead." (Erma Bombeck)
"There is no defense against a perfect pass. I can throw the perfect pass." (Dan Marino)
"If I drop dead tomorrow, at least I’ll know I died in good health." (Bum Phillips)
"What’s the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining." (Mike Ditka)
"We’re not attempting to circumcise rules." (Bill Cowher)
"Most of my cliches aren’t original.” (Chuck Knox)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.” (Former Houston Coach Bill Peterson
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." (Peterson again)
"The shoulder surgery was a success. The lobotomy failed." (Mike Ditka on Jim McMahon’s surgery)
"A good football coach needs a patient wife, a loyal dog and a great quarterback - but not necessarily in that order." (Bud Grant)
"Football combines the two worst things about America. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." (George Will)
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football." (John Heisman)
"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?" (Jim Bouton)
"He's fair. He treats us all the same - like dogs." (Henry Jordan on coach Vince Lombardi)